What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 20.06.2025 23:52
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I think the readers, may guess!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Can a cop pull you over walking home asking why you are out so late?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
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Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
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I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
All the time i was locked up.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I was seconnd youngest,
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I couldn’t, believe it.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I am 13 and I am planning to run away. What should I do to succeed?
But, we were locked up after school.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
How does an experienced gay/bi guy handle a bi-courius guy on his first time?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
My family never makes their pension either.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
When she asked me how she looked .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I was very sick at this time too.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I have no regrets .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Especially a lifetime of it.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My life is so biszare .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
As i do to all so called friends.?
It was going to be , some day.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She wouldn,t have been !
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But it wasn’t much.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Comes on , in middle age.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I will be 64.
Would this be the day?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Put me off passion for life!!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
(And it was in our own minds.)
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
And i lived it daily.
One cannot live in the past .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He resisted the act ,that day.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But ive been too sick for many years..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He knew the spot.
She found it foreign!.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
We all went to grammer schools
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
So whats the point in blame.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She was in good health!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Im still living with it.
What did i know ?
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Who then, do I blame.?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I was scared of men, in general
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She married twice! .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I don,t even have a pension.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Was to survive, this bastard.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
So, i spoilt her more .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Ive learnt so much.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
We were not on the streets..
I could never make a relationship work though!
This is soul school!.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I write beautiful poetry .
I waited trembling.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She loved him until the end.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I was 9 years of age.
I said to her
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other